Hanukkah, the "Festival of Lights," starts on the 25th day of the Jewish calendar month of Kislev and lasts for eight days and nights. This year Hanukkah began at sundown on December 4 and runs until Wednesday. With blessings, games, and festive foods, Hanukkah celebrates the triumphs - both religious and military - of ancient Jewish heroes. Hanukkah is a relatively minor holiday in the Jewish year. In the United States, however, its closeness to Christmas has brought greater attention to Hanukkah and its gift-giving tradition. Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maid's a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Hanukkah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. BRISKET BRAISED IN BEER INGREDIENTS 3 thinly sliced onions 6 boiling potatoes cut into 1-inch pieces 4 slices chopped bacon 4 (12 ounces each) bottles beer (not dark) 2 Tbsp unsalted butter, softened but not melted 6 carrots cut crosswise into 1 1/2-inch pieces 2 Tbsp all-purpose flour 2-1/2 pounds brisket 1 large peeled rutabaga, cut into 1/2-inch pieces 1/2 cup minced fresh parsley METHOD Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Cook bacon in an ovenproof kettle over moderate heat, stirring, until crisp. Transfer to paper towels and drain. Pour off all but 2 Tbsp fat from bacon. Pat brisket dry and season with salt and pepper. Heat the bacon fat over medium-high heat until it is hot but not smoking. Add the brisket to the kettle and brown. Transfer to a platter. Add onions to kettle and sautZ until golden. Add bacon, brisket and beer. Bring beer to a boil. Cover kettle and braise in oven for two hours. Stir in rutabaga chunks, carrots and potatoes and braise 45 minutes longer, or until vegetables are tender. Transfer the brisket and vegetables with a slotted spoon to a plate. Cover and keep warm. Blend 2 Tbsp butter and 2 Tbsp flour and set aside. Bring braising liquid to a boil and reduce to about 3 cups. Gradually whisk in flour-butter mixture. Simmer for 3 minutes. Slice the brisket and arrange on a plate with vegetables. Pour some sauce over dish, sprinkle with parsley and serve. Yield: 6 to 8 servings AND FINALLY... Top 10 Reasons to Like Hanukkah 10. No roof damage from reindeer 9. Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones 8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it 7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races 6. You can use your fireplace 5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games 4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah 3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth 2. Cheer optional 1. No Irving Berlin songs Happy Hanukkah, Chef Gilligan