COOKIES FOR SANTA Wondering how to tempt Jolly old Saint Nick down the chimney? Hint: Appeal to his sweet tooth. It's no secret that the trick to keeping Santa happy is to set out a plate of warm, homemade cookies for him. But what is the best cookie for the job? Always looking for a good excuse to eat, we at Home & Away have made some selections for you. So, whether you've been naughty or nice this year, try one (or all) of these recipes, and you'll be sure to get everything on your list. CHOCOLATE MINT MARVELS INGREDIENTS _ cup butter 1 _ cups brown sugar 2 cups chocolate chips 2 eggs 2 _ cups flour 1 _ teaspoons baking soda 3 or 4 packages of Andes mints METHOD Preheat oven to 350. Melt butter and brown sugar in saucepan over low heat. Add chocolate chips and stir to melt; put mixture into a bowl and let cool. Add eggs, and then mix in flour and baking soda. Chill dough for 1 hour. Roll into balls and place on baking sheet. Bake for 9 minutes. Remove cookies from oven and place an Andes mint on each one. As the candy melts, spread it across the top of the cookie with a butter knife. Makes 3 dozen. SINFUL OATMEAL COOKIES INGREDIENTS 1 cup butter, softened 1 cup packed brown sugar _ cup sugar 2 eggs 1 _ teaspoons vanilla 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 _ cups all-purpose flour 2 _ cups quick-cooking oatmeal 1 ten-ounce package Hershey's Cinnamon Chips 1 cup raisins _ cup chopped walnuts _ cup sliced almonds _ cup chopped pecans METHOD Preheat oven to 350. Beat butter and both sugars until creamy. Add eggs and vanilla until well blended. Combine soda with flour, and mix into the butter mixture. Stir in the oatmeal, and then add the chips, raisins, and nuts. Batter will be thick. Drop onto parchment-lined baking sheet by heaping teaspoonfuls and bake 10 to 12 minutes. Makes 4 dozen. MOLASSES SUGAR COOKIES INGREDIENTS Melt and cool: _ cup shortening _ cup margarine Add: 1 cup sugar _ cup molasses 1 egg Sift together and add: 2 teaspoons baking soda 2 cups flour _ teaspoon cloves _ teaspoon ginger 1 teaspoon cinnamon _ teaspoon salt METHOD Preheat oven to 375. Mix ingredients well by hand and chill for 30 minutes. Form into 1-inch balls, roll in granulated sugar, and place on baking sheet. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes. The cookies will crinkle while baking. Makes 3 dozen. AND FINALLY... T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scrap the whole works I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those a**holes from IRS sent me a letter They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money And the kids these days - they all are the pits They want the impossible ...Those mean little sh*ts I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM! If you think that's bad...just picture this Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard And if I don't smile. the parents think I'm weird Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no Christmas this year... now you know the reason I found me a blonde... I'm going SOUTH for the season!!