10 ways to turn anywhere in the world into Ireland

It’s true the Irish like to moan about how the English colonized our island, but why do we never talk about how we colonized the world?

No man is an island unless he’s an Irishman. If he’s an Irishman, all he is is an island. This is also true of Irish women.

We’re everywhere from Bucharest to Beijing, all of us one-man-Eire’s. In fact the great round globe is lousy with us.

And as we’ve traveled the world’s length we’ve learned that there are 10 items to bring along to make literally anywhere into the Emerald Isle. These are the fiercely guarded tribal secrets of the Irish so only share these with the people you trust.

1. A Saint Brigid’s Cross.

Your granny or your mammy may have stashed one of these in your suitcase the day you left the old sod. If she did she put it there to guard you against mishap and misfortunes. At the time you might have scoffed a bit but you kept it with you didn’t you? And you took it out and hung it up above the front door without a word in the end, didn’t you?

What your granny might know is that a Brigid’s cross (made from woven rushes) is actually a pre-Christian sun wheel that marks the four seasons and bring year long blessings. It’s the most Irish thing in the world to combine the new and old religions (and to hedge your bets).

2. A teapot

The teapot is the guardian of Irish civilization. This is not at all debatable. You’ll need a decent one with a good pour and you’ll need a nice trivet to place it on your kitchen table.

What brand of tea you put in to your teapot can turn into the most life changing fight you will ever have with an Irish person, so tread carefully. Some say that the best Irish tea brand begin with the letter B and other swear it starts with an L. Only heretics ever put English tea bags in them.

3. A pair of sad eyes that look right through you

Irish history is an endless series of privations, invasions and calamities. It gives us all a haunted look we learn in early childhood and that never leaves us. Irish people can easily recognize each other from the long suffering creases around the eyes.

Irish people also sigh like no other people on earth. It's a sharp intake of breath and then a long release. Bring your own sad eyes and your big sighs anywhere in the world and it’s instantly a little bit of the old country.

4. Whiskey

The Irish word for whiskey is uisce beatha, literally the "water of life." Pack a bottle in your carry on and you'll bring the carry on to wherever you finally fetch up.

Irish whiskey makes people feel expansive and humorous, effectively turning them into honorary Irish people, wherever they are. With one glass of it you'll turn any house an Irish home.

5. A tall bookcase (preferably more than one)

To be Irish is to be a chapter in a giant, centuries long story and we really like to keep abreast of each other's progress.

Irish people avidly read other Irish people like few other literary cultures. It's because we are always trying to make sense of the solitary strangeness of our far flung lives.

6. A stand mixer

Why is this Irish? Because the moment you leave Irish shores you will ache for decent bread. You'll dream of it even. Over time it will dawn on you that unless you bake it yourself you'll never enjoy another well made soda scone or farl or blaa.

Buy a stand mixer to work the dough and transform your home into an Irish bakery. This is a closely guarded secret.

7. McCann’s Oats

Remember coming down the stairs in the morning to the aroma of McCann's Oats bubbling on the range? It's an instant sensory overload that will make any house on earth an Irish country kitchen, even if you're not partial to the stuff (heresy). No wonder it's one of our biggest exports.

8. Chocolate biscuits from the old country

No one else makes chocolate biscuits with the care and attention to detail of the Irish. This is not for debate. You can keep your sugary Oreo's. We'll have a Swiss Roll or a Fig Roll or a Mikado thanks.

9. Crisps

Irish spuds are made with proper flavors. Smokey Bacon not Barbecue, Cheese and Onion not Cheddar and Chives, thanks. If you have ever watched the seriousness with which an Irish person munches on these in an Irish pub you'll know they really don't joke around when it comes to crisps.

10. The song

When the Irish miss someone or something they always turn to music. From Oscar Wilde to James Joyce a ballad is always the best expression of an Irish person's inner life. Even more than poetry or prose it's the song inside us that comes out in the life changing moments of joy and sorrow.

If you hear an Irish person sing a song then you're with an Irish person at one of their finest moments. The song turns anywhere into Ireland more than anything else you will hear or see.