A Donald Trump Doonbeg Christmas Carol

As the world is aflutter with news of impeachment and tax records, Donald Trump's County Clare golf course is lit up with the spirit of Christmas.

Cead Mile Failte from Clare as the Christmas lights begin to flash on all our horizons on this side of the Wild Atlantic Way and, boy, have I not mighty good news for all of you, especially those with Clare roots or those with plans to visit the West of Ireland during the Yuletide season.

This, honestly, is a world-class scoop. It will surely distract many of you loyal readers, wherever now based out in the diaspora, from matters connected with impeachment currently closer to your doorsteps than mine.

Okay, let’s open up my Christmas present immediately. I can herewith report that all of you are warmly welcome, free of charge, to the exciting Christmas Market celebrations being thrown at the upmarket Trump Doonbeg Hotel and golf resort here in West Clare just down the road from Shannon Airport which many of you use for access to Ireland. It began officially on November 29, yes, but runs officially until the beginning of December and, unofficially, I am reliably informed, for long after that.

And would ye believe that an updated version of the fabled West Clare Railway will run again through the market area for the duration? And would ye further believe that the Clare air will be enlivened by a thousand carols ringing over the market area crammed with art exhibitions, craft displays, and tons and tons of the tastiest food in Ireland at numerous stalls?

Donald Trump's Doonbeg Golf Resort, in County Clare.

There is much more. At a time when the whole political world is concerned about the tax status of your esteemed President Donald Trump, for whatever reason beyond my ken, my reliable sources locally, who are always accurate, tell me that the Trump project in Doonbeg, after some difficult enough trading years recently, has had a profitable 2019, even before the Christmas Market excitement, and is facing into 2020 with high confidence altogether as the carol singers tunefully embellish the West Clare atmosphere.

It’s all happening around Doonbeg this Christmas season for sure as the bells jingle and the West Clare Railway runs around the tracks again.

If by any chance some of ye are unable to be physically present for the craic around Doonbeg, then ye should instantly pass on the good tidings to friends and relatives here in Ireland so that they can join in the free fun. I’m going to make every effort to get there myself because it should be very special Christmas craic indeed, and the Doonbeg folk have always known how to enjoy themselves to the limits. If you have Clare blood in your system you know that as well as I do.

And again I repeat my perennial warning that in modern Ireland, even around Doonbeg on a Yuletide spree, you do not ever drink and drive. The regulations have become stricter and stricter re driving habits recently.

An illustration of Donald Trump tee-ing off at his County Clare golf resort. (Via Caty Bartholomew)

Take no chances at all. Appoint one of your group as the sober driver for the night as we routinely do here. Otherwise, believe me, you could easily spend the rest of the Yuletide night in the nearest police station.

But I have even more intriguing news for you. And here I have to be very careful and cautious indeed according to all my sources.

If any of your home-based clan have young children who would like to visit Santa’s Grotto during the celebrations, then instantly let them know that the local contact telephone number for Santa’s Grotto is 065-9055600 -- with whatever international prefix is appropriate for visitors -- and it is essential to call Santa’s Grotto before arrival to ensure a place in the queue to see Father Christmas himself in his seasonal finery.

All I will add to that practical information, for both children and adults, and very carefully too under the circumstances, is that the bulky Santa Claus in the grotto will, of course, have his face concealed by his traditional costume. And that Doonbeg disguise could, as ye know well, hide away the countenance of anybody at all adding his presence to the Trump Doonbeg celebrations, especially maybe some caring citizen from anywhere wishing to save this bankrupt little nation the costly exercise of a major security operation all around Doonbeg and this coast of the Wild Atlantic Way.

I’ll say no more than that and probably don’t need to either.